Why Thinking About Yourself Too Much Can Make You Miserable

Why Thinking About Yourself Too Much Can Make You Miserable

I recently heard an idea that stopped me in my tracks: the more we think about ourselves, the more miserable we tend to become.

At first, that sounds like an argument against self-reflection. As a therapist, I obviously don't believe that. Understanding ourselves matters. We need to be able to recognize what we're feeling, examine our patterns, understand our wounds, and take responsibility for our lives.

The problem isn't self-awareness.

The problem is self-preoccupation.

When Our Attention Turns Inward

Think about how much mental energy can be spent monitoring ourselves:

How am I doing?

Why do I feel this way?

Am I happy?

Am I succeeding?

What do people think about me?

Why am I anxious?

Why can't I get myself together?

These aren't necessarily bad questions. Sometimes they're important questions.

But when our attention continually folds back onto ourselves, reflection can slowly turn into rumination.

We start watching ourselves live instead of simply living.

And there is a strange paradox here: the more directly we pursue the feeling of being okay, the more opportunities we have to notice that we're not okay.

If I'm constantly checking whether I'm happy, I'll inevitably discover moments when I'm unhappy.

If I'm constantly evaluating whether I'm confident, I'll notice every moment of insecurity.

If I'm continually asking whether I'm doing enough, I'll always be able to find another area where I'm falling short.

The self becomes an endless project.

The Freedom of Looking Outward

Something different happens when our attention moves away from ourselves.

You become absorbed in playing with your kids.

You listen carefully to a friend who is hurting.

You work on something meaningful.

You help someone who needs you.

You walk through the woods and notice what's around you.

You pray.

You worship.

You become interested in something larger than your own internal experience.

For a little while, the constant self-monitoring gets quiet.

You haven't necessarily solved your anxiety. You haven't figured yourself out completely. You haven't eliminated every uncomfortable feeling.

You've simply stopped making your internal state the center of your attention.

And sometimes that is exactly what we need.

Happiness May Be a Byproduct

Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote extensively about what he called self-transcendence. He believed human beings find meaning not primarily by focusing on themselves, but by giving themselves to something beyond themselves—a person to love, meaningful work, a responsibility, or a cause worth serving.

In other words, perhaps happiness isn't something we can successfully stare at and manufacture.

Maybe happiness is often a byproduct of living toward something meaningful.

The person who wakes up every morning asking, "How can I make myself happy today?" may struggle more than the person asking, "What is worth doing today?"

Ironically, we sometimes find ourselves when we stop making ourselves the primary thing we're looking for.

Jesus Said Something Similar

There is a deeply Christian idea here as well.

Jesus said:

"Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
— Matthew 16:25

That is one of the great paradoxes of Christianity.

Life is found by giving it away.

Paul writes something similar:

"Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
— Philippians 2:4

Christianity doesn't teach that we should neglect ourselves. Jesus rested. He withdrew from crowds. He prayed. He ate. He grieved. He expressed distress. Healthy boundaries and appropriate self-care matter.

But Christianity does challenge the idea that the self should remain at the center of our attention.

There is a difference between caring for yourself and becoming consumed with yourself.

Even Self-Improvement Can Become Self-Absorption

This may be especially relevant in our current culture.

We are surrounded by messages about improving ourselves.

Optimize your sleep.

Fix your diet.

Improve your marriage.

Heal your childhood.

Understand your attachment style.

Become more productive.

Improve your mental health.

Find your purpose.

Work through your trauma.

Become the best version of yourself.

There can be tremendous value in all of these things.

But even self-improvement can quietly become another form of self-absorption.

Our entire life can become a project centered around fixing ourselves.

And eventually we become exhausted.

There will always be another weakness to address, another feeling to analyze, another habit to improve, another insecurity to understand.

At some point, perhaps we need to stop staring at ourselves.

A Better Question

There are certainly times when we need to ask:

"What's happening inside of me?"

Therapy often begins there.

But we probably aren't meant to live there permanently.

Eventually, another question becomes important:

"What is worth giving myself to right now?"

Maybe it's your spouse.

Maybe it's your children.

Maybe it's a friend who needs encouragement.

Maybe it's meaningful work.

Maybe it's serving someone.

Maybe it's creating something.

Maybe it's simply being present with the person sitting across from you.

Maybe it's God.

The goal isn't to stop thinking about ourselves.

It's to put the self back into its proper place.

Pay attention to yourself when attention is needed. Understand yourself where understanding is helpful. Care for yourself appropriately.

And then turn outward again.

Who can I love?

What is mine to do today?

What needs my attention?

What has God placed in front of me?

Perhaps one of the unexpected paths toward greater peace is spending a little less time asking, "How am I doing?"

And a little more time asking:

"Who or what can I love well today?"