When Life Teaches You to Stop Trying (And How To Get Your Fight Back)
Every now and then, I stumble across an idea that hits me right between the eyes—not because it’s new, but because it explains so much of what I see in my office. One of those ideas comes from psychologist Martin Seligman, the guy known for pioneering the study of happiness… but before he was the “positive psychology” guy, he was the “why do we give up?” guy.
And honestly, most of us—somewhere in our story—have been trained to give up in ways we don’t even notice.
Seligman called it learned helplessness. And no, it doesn’t mean someone is weak or lazy. It means life taught them that trying doesn’t work.
Let me unpack it the way I’d explain it to a client sitting on my couch.
What Is Learned Helplessness?
Back in the 1960s, Seligman ran experiments where dogs were exposed to mild shocks. Some dogs learned they could stop the discomfort by pressing a panel with their noses. Others couldn’t. When both groups were later placed in an environment where escape was easy, the dogs that once had control jumped to safety.
But the dogs that never had control?
They just laid down.
Not because they liked getting shocked. Not because they weren’t capable of escaping.
But because life had convinced them that effort doesn’t matter.
Sound familiar?
It shows up in humans the same way:
“Why bother? It never works.”
“It’ll just blow up again.”
“I’m bad at relationships. I always mess them up.”
“This is just how I am.”
It’s not that people don’t want change. It’s that somewhere along the way—through trauma, unpredictability, criticism, chaos, or chronic stress—they learned trying doesn’t pay off.
How Learned Helplessness Sneaks Into Our Lives
We don’t label it this way.
We call it “burnout,” “being checked out,” “not caring,” or “stuck.”
But Seligman’s work helps us name what’s actually happening.
Learned helplessness can grow out of:
• A childhood where the rules constantly changed
Maybe you grew up in a home where you never knew what version of Dad was going to walk through the door. Kids raised in chaos often learn, “Nothing I do matters.”
• A relationship where your needs were dismissed or mocked
Over time, you stop voicing them. Why? Because silence feels safer than trying.
• A workplace where you can’t win
You give ideas… no one listens.
You try harder… the target moves.
Eventually you quit trying—not because you don’t care, but because caring hurts.
• Trauma that taught your nervous system to brace instead of act
Helplessness becomes a survival strategy.
This isn’t psychological weakness.
It’s psychological learning.
The Good News: Helplessness Can Be Unlearned
Seligman didn’t stop at the problem—he found the antidote.
People who recover from helplessness learn three habits:
1. They challenge their explanations.
Instead of thinking, “This always happens,” they ask:
“Is that actually true?”
Instead of, “I’m the problem,” they try:
“Maybe the situation is the problem.”
Instead of, “Things will never change,” they experiment with:
“What’s one thing I can influence?”
Psychologists call this developing a more flexible explanatory style.
I call it talking back to the doom-voice.
2. They take small actions—even tiny ones.
Action breaks the illusion of helplessness.
Not perfection. Not intensity.
Just… movement.
Send the email.
Go on the walk.
Set one boundary.
Try the conversation again, this time differently.
Schedule therapy instead of convincing yourself nothing will help.
Small wins retrain the brain.
3. They experience safe, predictable environments.
Consistency heals chaos.
Support heals shame.
Relationships heal powerlessness.
Often it’s the experience of being responded to—maybe by a friend, a partner, or a therapist—that slowly convinces your brain:
“Trying works again.”
Where This Shows Up in My Office
I see learned helplessness in men who’ve been shut down for years and now believe they “just aren’t emotional.”
I see it in women who've carried families on their back so long they feel numb.
I see it in couples who think, “This is just us—we’ll always fight like this.”
I see it in teens who stop trying in school because nothing they do seems to matter.
And I see it in high achievers who are quietly drowning because they’ve forgotten they’re allowed to ask for help.
This is human.
This is common.
And it is absolutely changeable.
If any of this sounds like you… you’re not broken.
Helplessness is learned.
Hope can be learned, too.
If you're feeling stuck in a pattern—whether in your personal life, your marriage, or inside your own head—you don’t have to figure it out alone. Sometimes you just need someone beside you, helping you see the places where you still have agency.
And sometimes you just need someone to say, “Try again. This time it might work.”
If you’re ready to start moving again, even in small steps, I’d love to help.
Let’s get your hope back.