Tips for Social Anxiety
Struggling with social anxiety?
Here are some great tips from Dale Carnegie, who was a pioneer in the field of human relationships, best known for his classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936. While his work wasn’t written specifically for people struggling with anxiety, many of his principles—like showing genuine interest in others, listening well, and approaching people with kindness—can be incredibly helpful for those who find social situations intimidating. His practical, human-centered approach offers simple but powerful tools that can support anyone learning to connect more confidently, especially those navigating the challenges of social anxiety.
1. Start with Genuine Curiosity — Not Self-Performance
Carnegie says: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.”
When you’re anxious, your mind often centers on how you’re coming across. But shifting your attention outward — asking simple questions, listening closely — reduces pressure and builds connection.
Try this:
Ask one thoughtful question in your next interaction: “What’s something you’re excited about this week?”
Practice grounding before conversations (e.g., 5-4-3-2-1 sensory technique) to ease anxious focus on yourself.
2. Remember: People Don’t Need You to Be Perfect — Just Present
Social anxiety often says, “Don’t speak unless it’s brilliant,” or “You’ll mess this up.” But Carnegie reminds us that warmth and presence matter far more than impressiveness.
Therapy tip: Use cognitive restructuring to challenge inner perfectionist thoughts:
Thought: “If I say something awkward, they’ll think I’m weird.”
Reframe: “Most people relate to awkwardness. Authenticity is more memorable than perfection.”
3. Smile (When You Can) and Use Names — The Simple Tools of Human Connection
Carnegie says: “A person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language.”
Social anxiety can make you shrink in conversations — avoiding eye contact, mumbling, or skipping introductions. But small things like remembering someone’s name or offering a gentle smile (if it feels natural) go a long way.
Practice tip:
Repeat someone’s name when you meet them (“Nice to meet you, Jordan.”).
Use their name once more naturally before the conversation ends.
4. Accept Imperfection — Connection Comes with Risk
Every meaningful relationship requires risk. You might say something that doesn’t land. You might feel exposed. But that’s not a sign of failure — it’s a sign that you’re showing up.
Counseling insight:
Connection isn’t built on flawless social performance. It’s built on repeated, imperfect experiences where you show up, try, and learn. This is the heart of exposure therapy for social anxiety — gradually stepping into feared situations and discovering that you can survive them.
5. Lead with Encouragement — Even When You Feel Insecure
Carnegie says: “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
When you feel insecure, it’s easy to become hyper-focused on yourself. But intentionally encouraging others — complimenting something you genuinely admire — redirects your energy and creates warmth.
Challenge yourself:
Offer one sincere compliment in your next conversation — even if it’s small (“I like how you explained that — really clear.”).
Final Thought: You’re Not Broken — You’re Brave
Social anxiety tells you to hide. But every time you reach out, ask a question, show up — you’re practicing courage.
You don’t have to be the most charismatic person in the room to build meaningful friendships. You just have to be willing to keep showing up, a little at a time.
And if you’re struggling, it’s okay to ask for help. Counseling can provide a safe space to work through social fears and build confidence over time.